I have had my brush with death this year, watching my father die and being with him when it happened, with my mum and my sisters. I have no words to say about what happened there, in that room. Thinking about it is still a problem for me and I still have to wander off on my own, let alone for mum who has had to cope with the fallout of 50 years with one man, and still living in the same house, and living with his prescence. She is very angry about her loss, and us children try to help her as we can, my sisters more than me (as usual).
Mum is holidaying briefly in Somerset next week, as she felt the need to carry on with one of their plans. We are going to visit her at her B&B, in the MoT-failed MG (fingers crossed).
I feel for her.
At the end of October, both my sisters are coming here and we shall have the wake for dad avoided by mum.
What with my son being in South America and fairly out of contact(he's getting a job and going to Uni in Caracas), and me leaving 30-teenagehood in March, and my boss leaving work in November and potentially me having to be a responsible employee/er and manager and all the confrontation that will incur, I feel all sense of humour has deserted me. Life becomes heavy, despite my increasingly close relationship with M (who has sold her house and has opened a joint bank account with me and seems to be (IS) my longed-for life partner).
Life and Death are close. I am afraid of death, scared shitless of life. It isnt meant to be like this.
9 comments:
Hutters, grief seems to be the issue which is distorting everything in your life at present, and that's not surprising...
People tell you it gets easier as time goes by...no it bloody doesn't...BUT...what actually happens is that you become cleverer at mentally evading the issue ... better at working round it if you like...
I don't want to sound patronising, but the sooner you recognise this process, the better you cope...(it worked with me anyhow)...OK perhaps it's cowardice to cop out of recognising some things full-on...I'd prefer to think of it as a form of self preservation ... something which, after a succession of family deaths, I became good at before I was 20...
Once you master the trick, all the other emotional responses will return to normal...most important in the case of those re M, who if I know anything at all, is probably struggling not to feel "accidentally" excluded...
All the best mate...
Thinking of you.
Sense of humour deserted *you*? hahahaha that's the funniest thing I've heard in a long time.
The wonderful thing about emotion is that it's impermanent. In the 25 years since my father died I have marvelled at the way I can (still) be blubbing one moment, feel utter despair at never being able to hear his laugh again and then a few hours later, smiling with the joy of having known him at all.
We're *all* scared shitless (of life and death) - it's the best kept secret on the planet. Good news is that when you finally admit it, life becomes truly wondrous. I foresee wonderful times ahead for you.
Big hugs,
Rayya
(((hugs)))
Jenny
Looks like I checked in in the nick of time. Come on LH, remember those days you spent in Paris, that surreal episode of meeting me in that café near Etienne Marcel. M strangely (or so it seemed) commenting on wedding rings. You see, there is death, but there is a great life to enjoy as well.
Chin up!
Thank you. I hope to bring some order back to my life at some time. Mum is now in her B&B in Somerset, right where she wanted to be, just where she planned to be with dad and where by chance I booked her B&B. Serendipity
LH
A
My deepest sympathies regarding your dad. My dad died suddenly in 2002. I had not seen him in 10 years and probably not talked to him in 3,but it still made me cry like wounded animal when I got the news.
The Buddhists have the right approach to it, I think with the 4 Noble Truths. If you can accept those concepts and keep them top of mind, life becomes less "painful".
Whew Eve, going to have to consider that but if it is way out of this then so be it. never been one to see the point of a religion, or a faith
Oh, Andy, I feel for you. I sometimes think of my death and it scares me, too - I try and put it out of my mind (I'm not sure of the precise reasons why); I used to be scared of life as well but, luckily, I was released from the major pressures of it four years ago - I still feel guilty at the feeling of relief it gave me at the expense of others. It seems to me that you are made of sterner stuff. And you will never lose your sense of humour - how would you, supporting Leicester City?
Post a Comment