Now I Can Do Anything

I have always had a great fear of public speaking and even going to meetings is a strain (I'm the one who sits quietly in the corner and says nothing), so volunteering to read a eulogy at Dad's memorial service was a rod for my own back, especially considering the occasion.
I wrote the speech quickly enough, and let my sisters edit it to take out any bits in poor taste (and there were a few)and add a few bits and then tried rehearsing it. And to be honest, I couldn't do it. 2 and a half weeks, and I still couldn't get through it without the sobs welling up, usually with the emotional bits I had put in at the end (the most important bits). Even on the morning of the service when Mum took me to the church at 7.30am for me and her to practice (and we were interrupted by two evil old biddies organising a prayer meeting, and who wouldn't go away even when we asked), I couldn't do it.
So come 12.30, after attending dad's cremation at 10.00, I was standing by mum, holding her hand while she did her bit (which she did well), my dry throat and wobbly knees were screaming with terror "NO! You can't do it!"
But I did. With dad's encouragement, focussing at the back, where he stood for me (calm, speak slowly and clearly). In front of 150 of his friends, relations and community. Without an error, and even managing the odd ad-lib. I think it was easier because the coffin had gone, and I could focus on helping my mum and my niece, and keep an eye on Melissa age 5 and tut at Owen age nearly one ( "shush boy!")
So thanks to dad, and having held his hand as he died, I can now do anything.
I feel maturity attaching itself to me at last. No longer will I be thirty teenage, but perhaps 49, and maybe I will stop being cruelly provocative to small children. Life is too short.