Slow March

I was really down today.I was out in the grey bleakness to Whittlesey and Wisbech (to get the stereo and the notebook laptop fixed, respectively) and just found it unbearable to be up here in the Fens, far from anyone, when the longest face to face conversation I get is with the doctor's receptionist, or the guy who sold me a new stereo. And then I got myself in a panic about my trip and how far away from you I would be and how difficult, lonely and dangerous it might be at a time when I have more important things to do. And I started worrying about my two hospital appointments (fingers going May 10). And then how lonely it all is and I wished had friends here and that I had a job (if only to keep me off the bottle and give me someone to talk to). And how patronising to me my mother and son have been to me this week. And I cried with self pity several times, which makes it a little difficult to drive. And then wondered if I was actually very depressed again, but the tablets always give me ALL the side-effects (except suicide). And then a Seasick Steve track made my cry again. And I thought of my first hospital appointment in 12 days and I remembered [you] would be there and I smiled for the first time today (at 13.45)