Troubles

M: You need to go off to a desert island to feel better.
Me: OK will you come with me?
M: No
Me: OK I'm not going

M: will you wake him in half an hour?
Pub landlord: OK
Me: Richard, just eff off

Alternate boss: You ought to ask Big Boss for a day off a week to work at home so you can feel better.
Me: OK
Me: Big Boss, can I work at home for one day a week?
Big Boss: Yes once I have I had my holiday.
Me. Maybe it will be better by then.

Me: sorry about all the sick forms. Lets go into your office and I'll give you a full breakdown of my illness.
Other alternate boss: Wow! Not good. We need to pay some attention to this.

Me: here is some some proper work stuff you were worrying about but I have actually done it already
Big Boss: Oh thanks

Me: actually completed several reports today which can be accepted by Big Boss, Other Big Boss, and make me look like I know what I am doing

Big Boss: who will take responsibility for the XX Plan
All eyes on me
Me: oh for goodness sake, me then.

Me: Any staff to help?
All: hahahaha

All my team: looking for jobs elsewhere
Me: oh shit