Legless

What a struggle this is becoming. I can barely move without excruciating pain in my stomach and back. I have no legs, arse or dick that I know about. No feeling, dead, gone. I am incontinent. I have my nappy and bed changed whilst naked and in pain (I have to roll, or be rolled). I cannot contemplate a wheelchair until my next op in 2 weeks due to the 10/10 pain (ie total loss of control, screaming, sweating, being stabbed.... ). All leading from breaking my back in March, and a subsequent infection (abcesses) in my lower spine and from drinking too much. It would have been so much easier to continue on my planned Trans Siberian Express trip to Bejing and Australia.

All I do is read, watch TV, ebay, FB etc. No more leaping eagerly out of bed for me. My legs ache, strangely, even though they arent there. The nurses gather eagerly in my room (room personalised with posters, cd player, gadgets and trinkets etc) each day to see what has arrived from ebay or Amazon.

As you may know, I am planning for the future,for a place of my own, for some sort of mobility, for bowel control, for independence, for travel (I know not with whom), to be an example, to overcome, and have had praise for my attitude.

But I wonder if I am just fooling myself and others, being my usual trivial self, and shying away from the awful truth of life coping with pain, shit, wheelchairs, pity, self-pity, no sex, falling, steps, dependency, planning ahead, isolation, penury, etc etc? This really bothers me. I just hope the first is correct and I continue to "inspire" and to give.

Friends helps me be positive, and all the cards and calls and visits. But it is hard work, especialy late at night (04.00 sleep quite often). My Mum had to postpone her visit to Australia, but she has been a rock for me now I am off the Morphine, as have sisters and children and my friends, some of whom I have become very close to. All the dozens of nurses and my family have remarked on the utter change in my mental health and happy demeanour over the last 6 weeks, so at least I have my head together, and hopefully the madness and breakdown are over. Life for me is now an OPPORTUNITY with a wheelchair. It certainly makes you grow up (even if you end up a couple of feet shorter).

There, rant over. I hope you forgive me. I truly have no memory of most of the last 2 or 3 years.