Screaming Ab Dabs

Back at the end of March, I was in Berlin, about to embark on the train to Moscow and thereafter the Trans-Siberian Express to Beijing vis Mongolia, from Beijing to Sydney and then Cairns to see cousin and aunt. Pretty much the voyage of a lifetime. As I recall I slipped on the hotel stairs (says me) whilst trying to carry my heavy case down to the reception. Whatever, the ambulance came and I was taken to Hospital Charite Mitte, Berlin. Be and my son arrived to help and get me home because I had broken my back and slotted some ribs. After 4 days I was allowed out and returned home and eventually found my way back to the icy Fenland wasteland I have apparently made my home. I keep myself busy, applying for jobs, exploring the area, trying to make friends without appearing desperate yada yada yada Then one morning May, after visiting my womanfriend in London, changing trains at Hitchin for Cambridge, I had a vommitting fit on the platform and collapsed, requiring a further ambulance and hospital visit (Stevenage this time).I had achieved rebreaking the aforementioned back and ribs, this time a little worse. I cautiously made my way back home. Now I awake anytime betweem 3am and 6am with the screaming abdabs, due to my ribs and back bones settling in the night. It takes up to an hour to get dressed because of the pain. I walk with a stick, and not far, at that. The stick takes the weight off my back and helps me stay upright. My doctor has put me on 210 tablets a week, which is OK if I keep them down (vitamins, anti depressant, painkiller etc). Eventually he decided to prescribe Morphine (ooh goody, I thought) After only 3 days I throw up not long after my 2nd dose of the day. I cant tell if I had absorbed it or not, so didnt dare take a replacement, and I didnt want to as they were doing strange things to me. I talked to the doctor and he agreed I could stop. Trouble is I had already taken enough to get withdrawl symptoms, I sweat and itch (I have a gaping wound on my stomach which I created with my own fingernails). Additionally I now have two worlds to live in, this one and the other, both equally realistic, so I have to really divide the two, I regularly get up in the night after popping out of Dreamworld to check there is no-one else here in the house ("ah This House") I am entitled to a Blue Badge and still apply for as many suitable jobs as I can find. I do not use "disability" on application forms as that would too selfish. Come along bones, come on warm weather.

Voyage and Love is what has been my experience and desire. It doesn't always work, but is always a goal.

It's Been Awhile

It has been nearly a month since I posted here. I had forgotten about it to be honest. Korsakoff's doesn't help, nor dealing with a broken back and Osteoperosis and drinking too much. Trans-Siberian will have to wait, as will many other things. I cope, up here in the Fens, but there are days when I never speak a word to anyone. I apply for jobs most days (2 today, and Employment Support Allowance) but there is note out there. Korsakoff's is nasty: I hadnt remembered my new female friend had been here. Arse! Doesn't do romance any good. Full up with benefits claims, selling boat, looking for work, looking for woman, leaving booze. Living on air as far as I know

Fortune

This is ridiculous. I have spent the morning walking into March to do my shopping, smiling at all I see. My new Best Woman is due here in 48 hours (we still are talking for ever), and she says she loves me (Ooooooooooh warm). I am going on the Trans-Siberian Railway to Beijing next week, and then to Australia to see my best Cousin. The house is clean and tidy. Bed changed, car washed.The sun is shining. I have spoken to Gill, mother, daughter, friend. I have had a personal email from my best folk singer, offering me spare tickets for a London sell-out. The sun is still shining. I want to spread love and joy. Where has my mood gone?

Futile Gestures

The cold, The wind
Loneliness
Behind the thick walls
Are friends, family
A fire
Comfort
Peace


Out there
In the vast wilderness
I found a young woman
She was lost
As was I
Put our lostness together
And we found an address

Do these work?
Or are they shamefully slack?

Sales

"I dont need property (except books and music and a few family heirlooms(maybe 5 items of furniture, which I can pass on, and clothes and toilet stuff). I have a car which does it's job, which is all that is intended for, my boat is intended to give pleasure to others for a season after which I can sell, I dont own a house, or have a job, I have some capital, I am doing the major voyage of my life (outside relationships). I do need love and warmth. I never do evil. I do like having a phone and computer and best friends and drink and fags. I will never be a CEO. I have worked hard all my life eg 36 hour shifts and brought up my children without their mother. I buy people random presents, anonymously where poss. I love women that love me. That's the package".
Crikey that were comprehensive, wasnt it? Will shut up now, after the sales message.
This were my message to herself. Oh god what have I said?

Slow March

I was really down today.I was out in the grey bleakness to Whittlesey and Wisbech (to get the stereo and the notebook laptop fixed, respectively) and just found it unbearable to be up here in the Fens, far from anyone, when the longest face to face conversation I get is with the doctor's receptionist, or the guy who sold me a new stereo. And then I got myself in a panic about my trip and how far away from you I would be and how difficult, lonely and dangerous it might be at a time when I have more important things to do. And I started worrying about my two hospital appointments (fingers going May 10). And then how lonely it all is and I wished had friends here and that I had a job (if only to keep me off the bottle and give me someone to talk to). And how patronising to me my mother and son have been to me this week. And I cried with self pity several times, which makes it a little difficult to drive. And then wondered if I was actually very depressed again, but the tablets always give me ALL the side-effects (except suicide). And then a Seasick Steve track made my cry again. And I thought of my first hospital appointment in 12 days and I remembered [you] would be there and I smiled for the first time today (at 13.45)